Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
