I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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