Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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