I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
