i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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