Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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