I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
