wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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