I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
