I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
