Fuck appropriateness.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
