I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
