You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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