So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I have already put on my inside pants.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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