I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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