sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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