So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
