no, he came in my armpit
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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