when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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