I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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