Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
God, I missed his penis.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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