she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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