I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize