i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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