Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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