i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
