Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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