I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
