if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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