you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
