So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
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How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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