I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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