I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
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I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
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I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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