I just pynch a tree in the face
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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