I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
