mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
