I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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