Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize