can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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