I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
