Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
