Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
