omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
