i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
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I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
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Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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