he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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