Your face is a jimmy john
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
