my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
