i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
