Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
