the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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