i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I want her autograph on my taint
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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