I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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