put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
