nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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