i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
