I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
