Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
