FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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