8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
