Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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